Ask Chae

I give answers to questions from real advice columns.
  • October 10, 2013 11:31 am

    Dear Prudence 9/30/13

    I recently got engaged to my wonderful fiancé. Immediately after announcing the engagement to our families, my future SIL sat me down for a serious chat. She says she is currently saving up for breast implants and doesn’t want us to marry until she gets them done. She told me she wants to have one family wedding album where she looks perfect and will be heartbroken if I got married against her wishes. The trouble is, my fiancé says we should hold off the wedding for this reason, too. He knows his sister will cause so much trouble and doesn’t want to deal with the family drama. He thinks since we live together there is no hurry for marriage, anyway. I know how much he detests conflict and it’s true we are pretty much living as a married couple, but I feel like this is so wrong to postpone the wedding. He says the other option is to pay for his sister’s breast implant ourselves! Am I crazy for marrying into this family?

    I don’t think one should seek out conflict but asking someone to delay a wedding for breast implants is pretty fucking stupid. Tell your conceited shallow SIL that you understand she really wants to meet a guy and get laid during the wedding but that it’s your wedding and you’ll get married whatever damn day you please. Perhaps you could ease the conversation and find a few dudes that are willing to bang her that night even if she doesn’t have the implants. Either way get married on your terms, not because some bimbo wants fake tits. 

  • October 10, 2013 1:21 am

    Dear Prudence 10/8/13

    I am furious with another set of parents. My 16-year-old daughter has recently told her mother and me that she is pregnant. It happened at a party that was not well-supervised, and there was alcohol involved. The boy involved and his family are owning up to their share of the responsibility, but the owners of the house are absolutely infuriating me. They need to admit their share of this burden, as it was their booze and their house party that allowed this to happen. My family is going to have a lot of expenses due to this new baby, and I don’t know how much the boy’s family can help, so it seems that the party’s host should help out, again as it was on their watch that this happened. So far, that family has ignored me when I have tried to speak with them about this. I am ready to call a lawyer to press the issue, but my wife thinks I am overreacting. What do you think?

    The way I read this: Hello, I am a dipshit who was too busy to actually parent my child. She got drunk at a party I had no idea she was at and banged some dude who knocked her up. Now I’m pissed off because I have a teenage daughter who is pregnant and I’m trying to deflect blame on anyone I can so I can feel less shitty of a parent. 

    I’m no law expert but what the fuck is a lawyer going to help you do? Yeah maybe you can get the parents on some sort of letting minors drink violation but they didn’t make your daughter have sex without a condom. They also aren’t preventing your daughter from getting an abortion or considering adoption. What if your daughter got pregnant while having sex at her school? Would you then say the school district owes you money? Just like your daughter, get fucked.  

  • October 10, 2013 1:08 am

    Ask Amy 10/10/13

    I am a college student and live in a suite with several other people.

    One of the guys living in our suite Skypes with his long-distance girlfriend every night, frequently in the common room (where most of us study) and he never wears headphones.

    His girlfriend seems to be having personal problems, and so she frequently cries and talks openly about the issues she’s having — and of course we can hear both sides of the conversation.

    While I sympathize with her, it feels pretty awkward for us to be sitting around studying while one person is having a serious, personal conversation right next to us (I’m not sure that she’s aware that we can all hear her).

    Another mate of ours tried talking to him about the problem and he got pretty upset about it. I don’t want for him to feel ganged up on, but I’d like to find a solution. Any ideas about a better way to approach him?

    — Concerned Suitemate

    This guy is clearly an asshole and assholes must be dealt by acting like an asshole yourself. Next time he’s having these public Skype chats, just speak up and interrupt the conversation in hilarious ways. Here are a few examples:

    "Hey man, remember when you were raw dogging those 2 drunk girls for like 3 hours last night, that was pretty intense. But I heard one of them might have the HIV. You should really get tested."

    "How many times have I told you it’s not cool for you to sell cocaine out of our suite?" (bonus points if you buy a scale and sprinkle some white powder on it)

    "Dude, why do you have all this hentai porn laying around with all these girls getting tentacle raped?"

    "Yeah… that girl from down the hall stopped by again. She was all crying and said she’s pretty sure you knocked her up but you won’t answer her phone calls. You should probably do something about that"

    If this doesn’t get him to stop, just kick his ass or something, dude sounds like a pussy for real. 

  • September 7, 2013 11:31 am

    Dear Abby 8/31/13

    DEAR ABBY: I’m 15 and my brother is 19. He still lives at home and recently acquired a water cooler — the kind you see in doctors’ offices. He has it sitting in the dining room and, frankly, I hate it! It’s unsightly and unnecessary.

    My parents allow it to stay there. They have never cared much about how their house looks. I do most of the cleaning. Is there any way I can convince them to remove the water cooler? It’s not the kind you see in home magazines. — WANTS A NORMAL HOUSE

    What the hell do you care about the placement of a water cooler in your parents house?  You might do most of the cleaning but do you pay the mortgage?  If not, shut the fuck up about it.  Plus you are 15 years old.  This is not something a 15 year old should give a shit about.  I’m going to guess you get bullied in school.  

  • September 6, 2013 11:31 am

    Dear Prudence 8/22/13

    I’m turning 30 this fall, and I have an incredibly wonderful boyfriend of seven years. The only problem is that at 31 he has never had a full-time job. He still lives at home. He earned a degree with honors from a prestigious university, so intellect is not the problem. I moved far away from home after graduating college and have been taking care of myself since. In the last decade I’ve established a good career and am earning over six figures. (I live in one of the most expensive areas in the country, so I would need two incomes to support a family.) I’ve given him an ultimatum that if he doesn’t get a full-time job by the end of September, we are breaking up. But in reality I don’t know if I can do it. I’m terrified of going back in the dating pool, and I also can’t imagine another person so perfect for me. He wants to get married now and is ready to have kids yesterday, and I can see what a great father he’d be. But while he hasn’t saved a penny I have amassed a little over $200,000. Should I call it quits, or just accept that I have no control over his earnings and marry for love alone, and possibly be the sole breadwinner?

    —Confused in Love

    You have $200,000 in the bank and you want to know if you should remain with a guy that has $0 and refuses to get a full time job?

    Seriously, you couldn’t figure this out on your own?  How does someone this stupid earn a six figure salary? 

  • September 5, 2013 11:31 am

    Dear Prudence 8/29/13

    I’m a 28-year-old male and have a 4-year-old daughter with my partner of nine years (we’re not married but completely committed). My daughter was not planned and I had serious reservations about having a child at such a young age, but there’s a lot of love in our family and everything has worked out. But since taking a new job several months ago, I’ve started feeling differently. All of my co-workers are young and I’ve made a few good friends, but I often have to decline invitations to events I’d really like to attend because of my family obligations, or because I can’t afford it. I’m the only one with a full plate of adult responsibilities, including supporting my partner, who is an artist and doesn’t bring home a paycheck every week. So I have to say no to joining them on road trips or at exclusive restaurants, because my weekend consists of toddler birthday parties and visits to the playground. It’s making me rueful that I’ve missed my 20s and worried I will wind up bitter no matter how much I love my family. How do I get out of this funk and regain happiness with my circumstances, and how do I face my co-workers every day when they’re a constant reminder of what I’m missing?

    —Longing for Lost Youth

    Jesus Christ dude the way you sound, you probably whine more than your kid does.  Listen, it’s good that you manned up and took responsibility of a child at a young age.  But I don’t know what the big deal is.  If you ever want to go out on a Friday or Saturday night, find a babysitter every couple weeks.  If you can’t find or afford a babysitter, then I guess you should’ve used a fucking condom when you were fucking.

    You’re 28 years old, that’s past the age to still be pining to have every Friday or Saturday evening free so you can be part of “the scene” and attempt to be a douche bag hipster or bro.  Just put the kid to bed, invite some friends over and drink beers and play Mario Kart.  That’s more fun and affordable than spending $50 a night at a bar full of assholes.  And what’s with this hang up on road trips and exclusive restaurants?  You can still go on a family road trip and like I mentioned before YOU CAN HIRE A BABYSITTER IF YOU WANT TO DO DOPE SHIT EVERY NOW AND THEN.  Man the fuck up and quit bitching. 

  • July 22, 2013 1:02 am

    Ask Amy 7/21/13

    My girlfriend and I have been living together for three years. Early on we agreed to embrace the feng shui style of decorating. I requested that we remove from our bedroom the decorative wooden chest made for her by an old boyfriend. I also requested that we replace his two framed etchings in our dining room with our own photos or artwork.

    Her response was that neither the chest nor the etchings represented any current energy between her and her old boyfriend. I have not restated my request for the past year. I don’t want to be a troublemaker, but those items contain strange energy for me! I’m not asking her to throw them out, just move them to a less prominent place in our home. Are we failing Feng Shui 101?— B.B

    If you can’t decorate your home without the help of a BC era Chinese method, then I’m sorry but you might be an imbecile.  How about you grow a sack and stop crying about your girlfriend owning things that her ex boyfriend made?  They don’t contain “strange energy” you idiot, you are just jealous because you think he had a bigger dick than you or something.  And clearly she wants to keep them not because of any energy bullshit excuse but because she still probably carries a torch for him (or you know, because he has a bigger dick).  Either way it’s the year 2013, learn how to decorate a room without turning into a whiny little girl.  

    I have two close friends from high school. Now we’re 40. They are competitive with each other — one is really successful in business and the other is a stay-at-home mom, and I’m stuck in the middle.

    Recently, my business- woman friend went on vacation and when she returned emailed some photos to my other friend. Included in the vacation pictures were some nude photos of her. My friend turned around and emailed the nude photos to me.

    I am worried that my friend is using her company email to send out nude photographs, and also that my other friend is turning around and sending these pictures around, at least to me. I have a feeling she wants to try to see our successful friend “fall.”

    Now I don’t know what to do. Should I email my businesswoman friend and warn her that she shouldn’t send these pictures around because they got forwarded to me? Or should I ignore the situation?

    P.S. I’ve attached the photos to this email so you can see the level of nudity. They are tastefully done. — Friend in the Middle

    You sent copies of nude photos of your friend, who isn’t aware that you have these pictures, to a nationally published advice columnist?  What the fuck is wrong with you?  You are a dumbass and shitty friend. 

    Both of your friends sound equally as stupid as you.  How is one person sending nude photos to another some sort of competition?  It sounds like your friend is just desperate for attention.   

    Also, if your successful business woman friend keeps sending nude photos through her company e-mail she isn’t going to have a successful career much longer.  I find it hard to believe someone that would do something so dumb is successful.  She probably slept her way to the top.

    You should probably tell your friend to not send these types of e-mails from her work account and you should tell your other friend to stop being a petty bitch about things and that she shouldn’t be jealous of someone who would act so stupid.  Again though, you forwarded along nude pics of your friend, without her permission, to a person with a nationally syndicated newspaper column.  You are probably the stupidest out of the three.

  • July 19, 2013 4:03 pm

    Dear Abby 7/19/13

    My only daughter, “Claire,” who is 25, has always had a strong work ethic. Her boyfriend “Charles” has never held a job, either during college or in the year and a half he has been out of school. They were living with his parents until Claire accepted a one-year job overseas. Charles followed.

    Claire’s salary isn’t great, so I know she has little money saved, but she wants to start planning her wedding when they return. Should I stick with tradition and pay for it or listen to my head, which is telling me I don’t want to see her marry Charles until he has held a full-time job for at least a year? I think she can do better, but I suppose she could also do worse. They do seem to love each other. — HESITANT MOTHER

    Tradition?  Ha, in this economy how many parents you think still pay for their kids weddings?  I personally think it sounds like a pretty fucking stupid idea for you to pay for your daughter to marry some shithead who can’t even be bothered to find a job in a year and a half.  I’ve held steady employment for almost nine years and I consider myself to be somewhat lazy.  I think what “Charles” loves is not having to work.  I would hope your daughter can at least find someone with a full time job.  Tell her that and that you aren’t paying for shit.  

    How do I break up with friends who I love but have nothing in common with anymore? I’m married with a child, but as a new business owner, I don’t have time to meet their needs. How do you tell people in a loving way that you have appreciated their friendship in the past, but it’s over? We have grown apart. — DON’T HAVE THE TIME

    I hope you realize you kind of come off as an asshole.  Unless your friends are needy losers, I don’t know what the problem is.  You can’t meet them for lunch or dinner every few months?  There’s nothing worse than self absorbed assholes who believe their time is so much more important than everyone else’s.  If you are one of those people, you should “break up” with your friends so they don’t waste anymore of their lives spending time with you.

  • July 19, 2013 3:45 pm

    Dear Prudence 7/15/13

    Housewarming Gift Registry: I recently was invited to a friend’s housewarming party, with the invitation detailing where they were registered. My question is twofold, the first part being, is this a new trend? And secondly, if so, is it a bit presumptuous to assume that guests would be asking for this information, as nontraditional as it may seem, in the first place? Curious about the etiquette for these ever-changing times.

    Yeah, your friend sucks.  No, it’s not a new thing to have a registry for a housewarming party and anyone who tries to start this trend should be shot out of a cannon.  A housewarming party is basically just an excuse to gather all your friends and families to hang out, eat some food and drink some beers while you show off your new place.  Anyone who uses a housewarming party to try and get people to buy shit for them is an asshole.  Fuck your friend, I wouldn’t even go to that bullshit.